


Scales

by NewtingMuch



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with happy-ish ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders as Paranoia, Body Horror, Depression, Dissociation, Freeform, Gen, How Do Tags Work?, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Janus has trouble being good, Janus is losing his scales, Janus is my coping character please be nice, Listen I wrote this because I was depressed in quaratine, Random OC because I didn't want to give Joan trauma, Remus has tentacles!, They deserve only the best, Thomas has a therapist!, at least his voice changes, coping fic, maybe? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24248044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NewtingMuch/pseuds/NewtingMuch
Summary: Sometimes, Janus misses the mark with how he tries to use self-preservation. And sometimes, Janus lets his emotions get more to Thomas than he means.aka quarantine made me lonely
Relationships: (if you squint) - Relationship, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 3
Kudos: 55





	Scales

**Author's Note:**

> This is just me coping in fic form! I've noticed that I always suddenly drop a smile after my therapy sessions and I guess it reminded me of my Janus side. Also, not being able to engage with my friends as much as I like cause of quarantine hasn't helped either. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, suicidal thoughts, depression or anything else, please reach out and get help! You are loved and people are here to support you. <3

“Thomas?” A snap in his face brought him back to reality. His friend Lily stood in front of him, with a look of concern. “You alright?”

  
“Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” Thomas said, putting his improv skills to good use. His mind felt like sludge, but at least his theatre instincts were still sharp.

“Are you sure?” She seemed genuine. Thomas couldn’t figure out why that left a pit in their stomach.

  
“Yeah, yeah. It’s all good. I just got distracted by the dog over there by the bench.” He grins. His cheeks hurt. When did he start faking the smiles? He can’t remember. A pair of hands on his own pulls him from the faraway look he’s giving the trees beyond the outside seating they’re occupying. It’s his favorite, Beanies. He doesn’t remember what he got, but it probably tasted good.

  
“Listen, I know you were really excited for this outing. I’m really sorry that I haven’t been around.” Lily shrugs. “Mental health is just like that.” Thomas nods. He knows how it is. “But, I sincerely enjoy being here with you. It’s nice. We need to get together more often…” She pauses, catching herself. “You know when my brain fungus decides to agree.” Her laugh sounds like bells and chalk scrapping along a blackboard at the same time.

  
It’s only then that Thomas realizes it’s his turn in the social cue order to say something back. “Yeah, for sure! I really enjoy your company too and would love to hang out more. When you’re feeling comfortable, of course!” He makes sure to smile and refocus his eyes. Can she see the dark bags under them? There’s a touch on his arm that he knows isn’t there but feels almost like a cylinder of smooth scales. They prick at his skin. Thomas reaches for his drink quickly, taking a sip to take away from the pain that keeps prick, prick, pricking under his skin.

  
Lily smiles. “That means a lot, Thomas. You’re one of my best friends. I love ya!” She takes a finger to dip it into her drink’s whipped cream and places a small dollop on his nose. Thomas puts down his cup, laughing loudly (Was that too loud? Does she notice?) and decides to take the leftover straw wrapper, rolling it in a ball and flicking it towards her. It narrowly misses, landing on the sidewalk beyond them. None of them say anything about the distinct lack of a dog by the bench.

* * *

“You went without me?” Patton asks, gripping his sweater tightly. Janus’s scales have spread across his face, masking his emotions. Part of his own shapeshifting skills. In front of them lays Thomas, shaking and rocking back and forth on his couch, trying desperately to focus on the classic Disney movie playing.

  
“No, I _didn’t_ go without you because you _weren’t_ busy diving into the nostalgia of other outings with Lily at the time.” Deceit says, articulating his speech with a hiss.

Patton sighs. “Decei- Janus. C’mon, we got to work together on this. Thomas needs to get better, you said so yourself. You don’t do well with social interactions. You want to throw people down the stairs!”

  
Janus flinches at the name slip. He’s been trying to get used to it, but nobody really knew his name before the whole frog fight, so they were learning. They were trying. That had to be enough, right? “Shove. I said shove.”

  
Virgil throws out his hands, signing too fast for Janus to process. When his voice drops to his paranoid form, he finds it easier to get his message across through sign language. Unfortunately, Janus’ scales were making it hard to keep his eyes open as wide as they normally would. That’s the only reason his vision was getting spotty, right... The reason why he felt too far away to process the visual language, right?

  
“Yes, you’re correct, Virgil. And I do agree.” Logan says, calmly as usual. “That wasn’t a very good idea, Janus. One of the other sides who has a bit more… tact when it comes to social interactions. You’ve been in the shadows for so long, it’s going to take practice.”

  
Janus scratches roughly on his scales. A few fall on the carpet. Weren’t they meant to be green, not red? “I was fine.” Janus says sharply, voice going a bit deeper than he intended. “I handled it- Lily loved the outing, and Thomas was safe. Nobody suspected a thing.”

“Does this look safe?!” Virgil outbursts verbally, pointing to Thomas, who was still fidgeting.

  
“I don’t see you helping!” Janus hissed, staring sharply at him. Virgil hissed back.

  
“Boys, boys. C’mon… What’s happened has happened. Right now, we need to focus on Thomas.” Patton’s voice was full of concern and strong Dad vibes. He and Logan exchange a brief grasp before looking at Janus. “Perhaps it’s best if you…”

  
Before he lets Patton finish, Janus snaps back to his room. He sits on the edge of the bed, letting his face fall from deep anger to a melted frown. The snake lets his scales fall, the disguise dropping like the scales that landed on the carpet in the living room. Tears begin to flood, drenching the dark circles underneath his eyes. Janus doesn’t know what he did wrong. Thomas felt awful, _Janus_ felt awful. It was his job to pretend that everything was okay. Patton had been struggling and trying to find the good things that Lily and Thomas used to do to prep for the outing, but Lily had come early. Said she had something planned later on with some friends from college. Janus couldn’t really remember.

  
Everything felt fuzzy when Janus saw her standing there. Trying to figure out what to do. It was just him… so he tried to work with it. Made Thomas smile, even though his anxiety kicked up (Virgil felt a disturbance and misinterpret it, going to help Patton instead). Made Thomas leave the house, even though he hadn’t eaten anything. Made Thomas sit in the car and sing along with the music, trying so desperately to convince Lily that Thomas was fine.  
Self-preservation worked like sometimes. The other sides didn’t know it, but Janus had been doing it at therapy too. They’d each say their piece, talking about dreams and feelings and discuss the logistics of it, of course. But then they’d leave and… Janus would still be there. Because he’s self-preservation. He knows if Thomas is feeling a little less than good. Virgil holds his anxiety, but Janus holds his depression. He’s able to mask it. So, when the therapist asks if Thomas has any plans to harm himself or others, Janus smiles. Thomas smiles. They both say “nope!” and the therapist, seemingly content with the answer, waves goodbye on the digital screen. Thoams waves back and clicks the end call button. With that click, his smile drops, and Thomas sinks back in his chair. It’s exhausting, trying to pretend he’s okay. But Janus has to in order to make sure Lily stays friends with him. I mean, it is Janus’s fault that he lied to her. It’s the least he can do, follow her instructions to take care of himself. To seek some therapy. And, the Sides thinks that Thomas has been getting better. Sure, they don’t notice the influence of Janus, manipulating the mind palace to match the outside world and block a few things… Thomas’s laundry still in the hamper, a few scars on Thomas’s arms, the dark bags under his eyes. Janus just has to do it because… if he doesn’t, well… the alternative is worse. Losing Thomas’s friend? The Side’s trust? Janus can’t risk that now, he’s so close to being accepted as healthy for Thomas. As trustworthy.

  
But, clearly, he fucked up today. The pit in the snake’s stomach rolls, and Janus turns over, laying chest-first into the bed. He feels sick and… numb. His head feels like cotton candy and tar at the same time, melting into a mess of stuck-ness and disgusting scent. The Sides were angry, Thomas was having an anxiety attack, and Janus was losing his scales.

  
_Janus was losing his scales._ He brought his head up, looking at his pillow. Blood-stained scales latch onto the threads, his tears leaving wet spots. Janus stares, blinking a few times, barely able to process what’s going on. Janus is dropping… and there’s no one to catch hi-

  
A knock on the door scares him from his staring. He stands up, pulling on his hat and cloak, covering himself and forcing more fake scales over his face. Janus walks over to the door. “Who’ sss there?”

“It’s Roman. Can I come in, Janus?” Janus can’t help the cringe, which is quickly replaced with surprise. Roman? The red creativity? Here? To see… him? Janus opens the door.

  
In front of him stands Roman wearing his signature get-up. The most ordinary he’s ever seen him… if it weren’t for the distinct lack of confident pose. Janus doesn’t know what to make of him… His eyes are tired, and a frown stays on his face.  
“Please _don’t_ cut to the chase. Drag out your story as _long as possible._ ” Janus needs to pretend to be confident, needs to keep him from--

  
“I saw.” Roman says, simple and plain.

  
Janus catches for a second and raises an eyebrow. “I’m afraid I don’t know what yo-”

  
“I saw. I know why you did it.” Roman says, holding up a hand to silence Janus. “You think I’m not well-versed in love languages? I saw what you tried to do. And you know what, I don’t blame you.” He seems to ramble now, gaining a bit of color to his face. “Lily hasn’t hung out with us in so long… nobody’s hung out with us in so long. All of Thomas’s friends are busy working on professional projects and we’re still here. I know the dreams that Thomas has, of having an awesome outing with Lily.” He turns to Janus. “And Janus, you gave him that in the only way you knew how.”

  
It snaps. Suddenly, Janus falls to his knees, the scales dropping from his face as he cries. And he cries and cries by the boots of the prince. And doesn’t even stop when Roman gets down on one knee, embracing him in a deep hug.

  
The truth is, Lily said she'd commit. And… never did. And she was the latest in a startling trend… friends leaving Thomas out, forgetting about him, missing invites. It was just… suddenly too much. Thomas had been struggling with it, using videogames to cope and sleeping until two in the afternoon. It wasn’t healthy, but Janus couldn’t admit he had failed. He lectured others on things that he couldn’t do for himself.

  
“It’s okay.” Roman says softly, letting Janus bury his head into the raised collar. “We’re going to be okay. You’ll be okay.”

  
Janus hasn’t felt a genuine hug in so long… “I just… I... “He can barely get the words out.

  
“You’re human. It’s okay. You don’t need to conform to everyone else’s standards. Be yourself, Janus. They don’t recognize what you’ve done; that’s on them.” The voice sounds different, and it makes Janus swallow thickly.

  
“R...Remus?”

  
“Hiya scales. I would say I’m sorry to pop in here, but… you needed someone. And I’m never sorry.”

  
Janus sniffles, letting his head rest on his shoulder. For a moment, just a moment...

  
“Thank you.” Janus says, squeezing him tightly. Janus can imagine what is happening upstairs, a large discussion with the sides, and a phone call to Joan with the episode idea and to discuss his feelings after encouragement from Logan. Janus doesn’t have a seat at the table this time… but.

A tentacle tightens around him, squeezing a deeper hug.

  
Janus has Remus and the intrusive thought that start to crawl in. Bad coping skills plague Janus wherever he goes. And right now, that's okay.

**Author's Note:**

> the ending isn't great and i just sorta wrote until I couldn't anymore so...
> 
> Anyway, hmu on my Tumblr @kai-corner if you'd like.


End file.
